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The Light Fantastic
good morning e
1 comment or Trip up the Light Fantastic
he sat in the dimly lit bar, alone and enjoying the numbing effects of the alcohol. it was just another day like any other, and that was exactly why he was seeing the world through the bottom of a tom collins.

the door opened and a woman stepped in. the shadows hid every aspect of her, but the silhouette was unmistakenly feminine. that cliche hourglass figure that every songwriter has penned, but has never shown up in the tangible world.

the man set his drink on the bar.

the woman stepped into a pool of light and his breath stopped. this wasnt just some random dame with a fortunte figure. she was something special.

her eyes had a glint of life and love in them, like she was always on the border of laughter or mischief. her lips were the gentle color of strawberry wine. the kind you dread kissing else you find out they, and the glorious being connected to them, were just a dream.

the man startled himself when he realized that he had stopped breathing. he coughed noisily and at length as he tried to regain his senses.

when he looked up, She was looking into his eyes. he realized at that moment, in hard reality, in the moment staring in her eyes, that he was only one lonely man. in the eyes of this goddess, he was humbled.
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13. brain mush. do the right thing. blood shower. gun arm break. heavy lower eyelid. chinatown. melt.
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ah dear friends. update:

grandma passed last week. i was a paulbearer at her funeral yesterday. i do not handle death well.

my dad is doing well, thank god.

my kitchen is still in the works. fun times.

anyone have any questions? yes, you sir. in the back...
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if someone named dan killes me, i just want to go on record as saying: "I saw it coming."
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you dont see the pain
i dont care to. i know you
you dont see the sheets of armor that thinly cover the mess that is me.
we all have baggage.
we do. im just tired of baggage that doesnt go with mine
we just need to fine baggage that can be checked
and what type of baggage do you carry?
sir, you are being too foward.
i appologize.
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I must admit that my aversion to drinking breast milk is something of a double-standard. Let me try to put this as delicately as I can out of respect to my female readers... but some women have been known to willingly "ingest" a certain dubious "body fluid" made by men, during moments of "intimacy." (These moments are known as "blow jobs." These women are known as "awesome.")
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new stressors:

-need a new roof. complete tear up.
-father in hospital after having two minor strokes
-grandmother in hospital on deathbed... now wait, today shes eating... no, wait, shes stopped eating and her kidneys are failing... im sorry, i meant the kidneys are fine and shes off the respirator.... did i say she was off the resperator? my bad.
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Helly kids. long time, no type... its been a long could of weeks, so heres the update:

planning a kitchen gutting

planning two work trips
one to denver
one to san fran
(i love both cities but if anyone can suggest things to do there, i might take some days off and visit them)

planning a surgery (nothing serious but a neccessity... no, i wont be performing [not after the whole "black market thing])

putting together the final steps for my vegas vaca in september. going to go on an ATV trip in the desert because i have never seen desert. anyone have any suggestions on what to do in LV?

time is a commodity. i have been so crazy busy lately with work and things that i wish to not post here that i barely have enough time to dance in the pale moon light.

PS. 954
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Tourrrett's is fun

Transcipt of this evenings conversation with my neighbor:

My neighbor stopped by while walking his dog:

"Hows the kitchen plans going?"

"pretty good. I'm thinking of tearing out my sophet and replacing the entire ceiling"

"thats not too hard, i could give you hand if you need it. ive done it before"

----His wife walks up----

"fuck berble fuck damnit garble grable fuck.... i put my ear on against their window and i think hes sleeping on the couch. i told them to just stop arguing for the evening and give it a rest. oh hi trevor. what are you talking about?"

"just planning on gutting the kitchen: cabinets, appliances, floor..."

"how much...blarbalreardas fuck! cost"


"how much fuck barlarcdlble is it going?"

"sorry? how much is it going to cost?'


"about x"
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How's it going kids. heres the update youve been dreaming about:

ive been on two dates, neither really stuck.

i bruised a rib bowling

i got lost in Ashtabula

my ex got married

im planning a trip to south america for next year

im planning on going skydiving at the end of july

im getting ready to entirely gut my kitchen (floor, cabinets, appliances)

saw MI:3

if you wish for any additional information, please ask. when i have time, i shall respond.
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Paintball: Sunday, July 2nd. 9am Pinnacle Woods

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i cannot claim that i did this because it is awesome. it is from slashdot

E3: the chatlog
Sony: Woo! Check out the PS3! It pushes squillions of polydandries!
Audience: That's nice, but we've heard that before.
Sony: Well I guess you aren't interested in MGS4 then?
Audience: Wooh! Rock on MGS4!
Sony: And check out our new controller. It's like our old controller, but it has tilt sensors, but not like those crappy Nintendo sensors, ours are EXTREEMME!
Audience: Wait what? What about the Baterang?
Sony: And the best part? The console's not only the biggest of the next gen consoles, but it's the most expensive!
Audience: WTF?!
Sony: And! If you pay a measly $100 more, you can get the version that doesn't suck!
Audience: Fuck you.
Sony: Screw you guys too then, you'll be begging to mortgage your house for Blu-ray one day!
*Sony has left #E3
*Nintendo has joined #E3
Nintendo: Wiiiiiii!!!
Audience: Wiiii?!
Nintendo: WIIIIIIIIII!!!!
Audience: Wii!!
*Nintendo does cool shit with their 'gimmicky' controller
Audience: Man that looks fun
*Nintendo is Away
*Microsoft has joined #E3
Microsoft: We were kinda worried about Sony, but now... I don't even know if we need to show Halo 3
Audience: Wooo! Halo 3!!
Microsoft: Cool.
*Nintendo is back
Nintendo: So I hear you like Metal Gear
*Nintendo surprises everyone and puts Snake in a SSBB
Audience: WTF Holy Shit wowo!
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So i was at the Wing House watching the Cavs game with some friends. the game was interuptted by a brief scuffle and our table got shoved over. i moved like ninja and got away from the table before drinks spilled. everyone was crowding around and confused. one guy took off. i looked down and there was a guy laying there. i moved people back and knelt by him.
"hey kid..."
"why did he fucking stab me?"
"hey guy, whats your name? keep talking to me."
"he fucking stabbed me."
"keep talking to me. whats your name? hey you? are you his friend?"
whats his name?
hey nolan
he fucking stabbed me
talk to your friend. ask him questions but just keep him talking.

one of the managers came over to me.

"who stabbed him?"
"i have no idea."

another girl came up
"the guy over there"

manager - "make sure he doesnt leave'
me- "um, i think he still has a knife"
manager - "i'll take care of it, you stay here with him"

i knelt back down and kept talking to him. a woman came up.
"im a nurse"

i backed away and kept people away.
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i just want to say that every time i read that im flying on NWA, i giggle a little.

see you bitches in LA
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if you still read these, it wasnt me.
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two things of note for now:

1. if youre old and have a hard time crossing the street at an adequate speed, make sure you have plenty of time to get across. otherwise, i will stop short on your ass making your elderly wife jump off the street in fear and making you angry enough to curse at me. be polite and conciderate of people driving when you cross outside a crosswalk.

2. if my bones turn up in lake erie after my prolonged absence, this is due to the girl who is apparently stalking me. she keeps popping up everywhere i am, we both briefly look at each other as if mentally saying "you again?" and then we part ways. shes either stalking me or its a coincidense and she also thinks im stalking her.
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it occurred to me that Emo is the Hair Band if this decade.
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I humbly request that you read my newest column
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alright, listen up people. Uncle Toon is going to school you again.

There are 4 types of people in this world:

1. People who can jab people with witty comments and most people laugh
2. People who try, but end up just saying mean, hurtful things
3. People who try, but it is neither funny, witty, mean, or hurtful
4. People who accept that other people can say witty, fun barbs, but dont try it themselves.

We seriously need to eliminate #2 and #3. They ruin fun conversations when either they throw out something mean that stops the conversation or they fail miserably at saying something funny and everyone stops talking to give them the polite smile/chuckle.

seriously folks, this is a serious issue. Please, if someone you love is a 2 or 3. tell them. they might seem angry at first, but they'll learn to accept the truth, and respect you for telling them.
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want to know how to know if the day is going to be bad?

drive into work and stop to get a parking stub. if the window to the car does not go back up, but instead falls into the door of the car, thats how you know the day will be poor.

the drive home should be fun.
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Hey weirdlovemaker, this shit is for you:
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wanna see something impressive?


take a step back.
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The Puppy Bowl upped the ante this year and had a kitten half time show.
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went media buy crazy again. heres what i just got from amazon:
Good News For People Who Love Bad News - Modest Mouse
Snatch (Special Edition)
Layer Cake (Widescreen Edition)
Has Been - William Shatner
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (Widescreen Edition)
Black Books - The First Complete Series
Puddle Cruiser
The Aristocrats

I've been meaning to buy the Modest Mouse and Shatner CD for a while but keep forgetting. Morningwood is fucking awesome. I heard them on XM a while back and liked the song. I started listening to the rest of the CD this morning and the thing sounds like a callback to 80s hair bands with electronic overtones... all sung by a woman. i highly suggest it.

I needed to own Snatch
Comedy Central showed a couple of episodes of Black Books about 2 years ago and then stopped airing it. funny, funny British comedy about three people who run a book store. think of it as a Stacked, but funny.
The rest are movies i havent seen but really want to.

and in my world of surealism, i got another brief glimpse into oddity:
I was sitting in the starbucks at the base of Key Tower, it was unusually packed. i noticed, because i have keen skills in the area, that about 25 of the people were in clean, black suits. men, women, young, old... all dressed for success. with the law firms in the area, suits are normal, but they rarely travel in packs like that. i chalked it up to a random coincidence. then 7:45 hit and all, ALL of them hurridly walked away. all at the same time. not a couple here and there. all of them at once. no one looked at each other, i didnt notice some odd alpha suit issue the order. they all just seemed to know that it was time to leave.
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You know, i hate printer salesmen. They know enough about networks to get the lingo, but not enough to actually do a damn thing.
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and because im evil:
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its time for a montage.
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i just referenced Todays Special. a show that was on Nick about 20 years ago. god im old
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